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Monday, August 22nd, 2005

Time:12:41 am.
Song For All The Young Casanovas And Casnovettes

i suggest you only ever tell lies.
because once you tell the truth they'll break your heart.
don't ever look them in the eyes.
because those eyes are gonna rip your heart apart.
i recommend you keep your distance,
becuase once you get too close , you'll lose control.
don't ever fall in love; just stay buried in your lonely hole.
take it from experience: desperate acts are ridiculous.
don't ever tell the truth, because the ones you love will do the same to you
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Saturday, July 23rd, 2005

Time:11:27 pm.
I'm not sure what it is with thinking that i'm crazy, it's a joke i play i guess, between myself and I...but it comes up so often that there must be something beneath the surface than just, my laughter.I'm not crazy, perfectly normal...Then why do I have a hard time accepting myself as normal...I have issues with using stereotypes archetypes?..I assume everythingeveryone is the same, when it's everything but, and I try to make things easier for myself I guess by doing that...hmm...I went on a walk today, I call it 'my survey of my enviornment' if there were titles to things as such.... I was walking through the neighbourhood, obviously intoxicated, and/or confused. I followed a path i've taken before,to the destination at the end of a thirty-minute trek. At first I thought, what is it like on the otherside of these eyes.did they ask themselves, " Who is she? where is she going? Where is she comming from?" or did they think anything at all...I followed the path until the sun set, and the lights turned on. I smiled and closed my eyes as I walked in a wave to the beat of the music, I was high.In the brilliant orange glow of the streetlight, the path began to shimmer. I laughed out loud, before realizing that it was just a reflection. I hate it when reality bites me back. A few steps before I was let down by a tall tree i'de mistaken for a statue; just past the crest of the hill.

..I dunno there's more to it, but I've forgotten in the maze of footprints left on the pavement...But it's basically about getting to know whats around you, and seeing how far you can go till it's new..or like, experienceing a 10 minute car ride (of a familiar route)on foot. it's good stuff...I was thinking while I was walking, how everything is soo suburban I guess, all the perfect people walking, compared to like toronto where no ones a clone, for a lack of a better word,( and to continue with my stereotyping...cause archetype is the idea i think,maybe they're interchangable..? someone answer)I thought of making something where woodbridge was in a cloud, like track 9 on the new gorillaz cd..meh ..ramble ramble rambly lol
..Do i sound high? cause i think i do...in writting...but i don't know if there's a difference...hmm..sometone tell me
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Sunday, June 12th, 2005

Time:12:17 am.
Time is one of those things that just pisses me right the fuck off..it's not like there's any escaping it...and it's not like we don't know how the story ends...it's just there..in a couple years i'll be 23...I think i'm going to die, as one of those people, scared to die, so they never really find out what it is to live...i'm also afraid that i'm going no where, fast...no not fast ...gradually..hahaha..
i am funny.ha.
i need to be put on meds..for..among things, my social anxiety..people scare me..but only really when i'm high...yeah..i need to stop smoking..no i need to cut back...
i need to find some direction to head in....
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Sunday, June 5th, 2005

Time:6:09 am.
I haven't been to sleep yet...I woke up at 4 yestaurday, and now I can't sleep. That and i've been thinking about all sorts of goodies.I can't say anything in particular..just everything all at once... I've been thinking , like I said five secs ago, and I need to start talking, sharing, communicating, inviting people into my world..I don't share things with people, and I don't know why..actually I do know why. Because I lack trust in people, among other things. Even my closest friends know shit about what's going on inside my head. They know more than most, but not as much as I think I should be telling them, in order to have a 'normal' friendship. Friendships are buildt on among things ,trust. I don't trust anyone. I am fucked up.d Maybe one day soon, hopefully, I'll start speaking my mind. It's also not healthy to keep everything inside me, cause I tend to go crazy when I think about things too much, and by crazy I don't exactly know what I mean. But when I think about things too much, when I have time alone with myself for more than a couple days, I tend to become depressed, because I try too hard to please everyone including myself. I think that most people, or my friends, think that I'm not good at speaking, because I don't talk a lot of important shit to my friends. I do have moments of important shit talking but most of the time...actually..i'll put it this way...(not that most people aren't) But more often than not i'm remembered as a smiling face. And that's great. But there's way much more to that smile than I lead on. I'm quite preceptive, and i've got a nack for being intuititive. I just like keeping things to myself..I dont know. I am a person who believes that I can handle everything life throws at me by myself. After all if I dont have me who else do I have. And that's a horrible way of looking at things, cause that is impossible, people need people, we are social beings. By we I mean the rest of the world.
I don't know what else I was thinking about...because now i'm thinking about everything I just wrote. I think i'm a pathological liar. whatever that means. what I really mean to say is that I lie a lot, in an attempt to keep everyone happy. I have to realize that not everyone is going to like me , and if they don't it's their loss. I have an issue with being myself , because the 'me' that I think I am isn't the 'me' that is accepted by everyone. Even though I know that there is no single 'me' that I am a multifaceted(sp?) being (like the beyonce hair commercial )...but i'm also not sure if I really want to let people get to know me ..i'm not sure if it's because i think they might hate what they find, or if it's because I don't know me, or if it's because i'm scared of something bigger than what my mind can wrap it's brainfried head around.
I have a problem with indifference. I am indifferent to most things. I am/ can be happy either way. I'm not decisive, and i'm controlling. I am a stubborn person who pretends to be easygoing (palm-reader 'sid's uncle)
I don't have my mind made up on lots of things. I don't know what it is that i'm trying so hard to be and why it bothers me that I can't be this other thing, but it's starting to get annoying.
What is it that I want for myself that I don't already have/hate?
Back to the smiling face thing, I don't share my emotions/feelings with people, because I think I view it as a sign of weakness.Even though everyone else shares everything with me because i'm a good listener, or so I'de like to think. I'm prone to fits of self-doubt, apathy, and self-destructive behaviour.
I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what I want to do in school, and I can't see what the future holds because I've already made plans for where i'm supposed to be, and those didn't work. The only thing I want from the future is to be wealthy, and happy.Wealthy, because I think money can buy you anything you want, even though I know it can't. In the society we live in with 6 billion other people all trying to get the same thing, they all can't be wrong. Money has to mean something if all those other people want/need it. Money is always an issue with me, I don't know why. Because i'm realizing that the lifestyle of my parents, is not necessairly the lifestlye that I will be able to lead if i am not rich. So being rich is something that I have to live up to in order to be happy in the future, if I make it that far. I am 100 percent sure that if I were less well off *knocks on wood* I would have a much greater appreciation for the value of a dollar. Not that I don't understand the value of a dollar, but to a certain extent I don't really know what making money..no not making money..to a certain extent I don't know what hard work is.
it's not even about money. The only thing i'm good at/ can work hard for is school.
It's fucked up how the rest of the world lives. Am I blind or are they?
bleh...now on to more different rantings...
My indifference reaches so far that it interferes with what i think of as a belief...or something like that. I know as you do the situation with marijuana( yeah thats right i spelt it, not just pot anymore ) I am fully aware that it can't be great to be smoking as much as I do everyday.However, I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. and I like it so I keep doing it. We are beings who take pleasure, at almost any cost. maybe i'm wrong, whose to say I know shit about anything, much less the entire human population.
I wish I could talk to someone, the same way I write shit here. It's so much easier to type shit into a computer, this whole thriving in isolation thing i've got going for me seems to be working...well the sun has come up , and I have run out of things to rant on and on and on about..so untill next time kids.
keep fit and have fun
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

Time:4:55 pm.
Things are entirely too fucked up in my head.
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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Time:10:33 pm.
Today I made coffee at home. To some this might seem like a small task, but to others it definately is not.I am supposed to be in school mode for the rest of the year, which is only one week. I'm so screwed for this essay that I feel the urge to share. I don't learn that you can't pretend to know 8 pages worth of something the night before. HMM....I have to work harder.
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Monday, February 14th, 2005

Time:2:31 am.
Mood: high.
Fuck these people, and their evil glares, the elitist scene kids.yes. I am really high right now, so it's good stuff.
I wish I really could fly, even when i'm not high. It'd be so cool. I could fly places, and be magical, and have sparkles, and magical powers, like flying. And being cool. hahaha
It's so hard not to bejudgemental. I've decided that my improved, im not judgemental, is now i'm only judgemental when it's true. but that sounds like I know stuff, and im judgemental. so scratch that.
good times all the time.
I said, eh, are you gonna be my girl!
I am going to become an artistic drunk someday, i'll make a damn good one too.
Fuck, I said no they didn't listen...the drugs...hahah..no I said yes, and so..sorry...but not really. I'm being random cool..
well, this was a couple minutes more of my life high that i'll never remember...but there are words, so I will..cool.
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Friday, January 21st, 2005

Time:4:40 pm.
I sat in the corner, at the bottom of the stairs.Looking up and beyond my so called friends, all blissfully drifting away into a comatose state of happiness. They all looked down on me asking why I looked so confused.It wasn't my friends that I was confused with, more their interpretation of the various symbols I now found myself communicating in. The flickering of my thumb which meant lighter was the one I was doing now, and they understood so I was safe. These stairs, these walls,if only they really could speak. The times spent here are times we rarely remember, but never forget. As I sat on the stairs carelessly playing with the thought of making fire in my hands, I heard the distinct sound of footsteps of a friend. And it was indeed Brad and a female companion.This friend I didn't know, as I was being introduced to her in rotation by Brad, I noticed the distant look in the eyes of brad. See, Brad has been trying to stop smoking marijuana, and our infulence didn't help at all. He walked down the stairs to greet me , and I smiled at him because I really was excited to see him, or anyone for that matter, marijuana makes it great to be alive sometimes.Me and Brad don't really go way back, but we've found a connection in the similarities of our lives. I thought it was something different, something special, but it's brad and i've realized that this is the way he treates everyone he likes, he is after all a Leo.I remembered that I was meaning to smoke a cigarette and began to light it which proved to be the hardest task, as depth perception can lead to happy shreiks. ( I'm all burnt out I appologize for this shit)
I was zoning in and out of altered realities, when I heard brads thoughts. It was his turn in rotation and I could hear him thinking that we were all horrible people. Then as if , I really could read thoughts, he said it. I looked at him , for the first time, with disgust. Because I knew that Brad loves marijuana, he loves it about as much as anyone who has ever smoked weed loves it. But Brad was different, just because he was in the presence of one of his friends, he was trying to impress he made it sound like we were the bad influence. I mean we are, but you can't blame us for your shitty life.
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LiveJournal for MyFuckingHeart.

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