I haven't been to sleep yet...I woke up at 4 yestaurday, and now I can't sleep. That and i've been thinking about all sorts of goodies.I can't say anything in particular..just everything all at once... I've been thinking , like I said five secs ago, and I need to start talking, sharing, communicating, inviting people into my world..I don't share things with people, and I don't know why..actually I do know why. Because I lack trust in people, among other things. Even my closest friends know shit about what's going on inside my head. They know more than most, but not as much as I think I should be telling them, in order to have a 'normal' friendship. Friendships are buildt on among things ,trust. I don't trust anyone. I am fucked up.d Maybe one day soon, hopefully, I'll start speaking my mind. It's also not healthy to keep everything inside me, cause I tend to go crazy when I think about things too much, and by crazy I don't exactly know what I mean. But when I think about things too much, when I have time alone with myself for more than a couple days, I tend to become depressed, because I try too hard to please everyone including myself. I think that most people, or my friends, think that I'm not good at speaking, because I don't talk a lot of important shit to my friends. I do have moments of important shit talking but most of the time...actually..i'll put it this way...(not that most people aren't) But more often than not i'm remembered as a smiling face. And that's great. But there's way much more to that smile than I lead on. I'm quite preceptive, and i've got a nack for being intuititive. I just like keeping things to myself..I dont know. I am a person who believes that I can handle everything life throws at me by myself. After all if I dont have me who else do I have. And that's a horrible way of looking at things, cause that is impossible, people need people, we are social beings. By we I mean the rest of the world.
I don't know what else I was thinking about...because now i'm thinking about everything I just wrote. I think i'm a pathological liar. whatever that means. what I really mean to say is that I lie a lot, in an attempt to keep everyone happy. I have to realize that not everyone is going to like me , and if they don't it's their loss. I have an issue with being myself , because the 'me' that I think I am isn't the 'me' that is accepted by everyone. Even though I know that there is no single 'me' that I am a multifaceted(sp?) being (like the beyonce hair commercial )...but i'm also not sure if I really want to let people get to know me ..i'm not sure if it's because i think they might hate what they find, or if it's because I don't know me, or if it's because i'm scared of something bigger than what my mind can wrap it's brainfried head around.
I have a problem with indifference. I am indifferent to most things. I am/ can be happy either way. I'm not decisive, and i'm controlling. I am a stubborn person who pretends to be easygoing (palm-reader 'sid's uncle)
I don't have my mind made up on lots of things. I don't know what it is that i'm trying so hard to be and why it bothers me that I can't be this other thing, but it's starting to get annoying.
What is it that I want for myself that I don't already have/hate?
Back to the smiling face thing, I don't share my emotions/feelings with people, because I think I view it as a sign of weakness.Even though everyone else shares everything with me because i'm a good listener, or so I'de like to think. I'm prone to fits of self-doubt, apathy, and self-destructive behaviour.
I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what I want to do in school, and I can't see what the future holds because I've already made plans for where i'm supposed to be, and those didn't work. The only thing I want from the future is to be wealthy, and happy.Wealthy, because I think money can buy you anything you want, even though I know it can't. In the society we live in with 6 billion other people all trying to get the same thing, they all can't be wrong. Money has to mean something if all those other people want/need it. Money is always an issue with me, I don't know why. Because i'm realizing that the lifestyle of my parents, is not necessairly the lifestlye that I will be able to lead if i am not rich. So being rich is something that I have to live up to in order to be happy in the future, if I make it that far. I am 100 percent sure that if I were less well off *knocks on wood* I would have a much greater appreciation for the value of a dollar. Not that I don't understand the value of a dollar, but to a certain extent I don't really know what making money..no not making money..to a certain extent I don't know what hard work is.
it's not even about money. The only thing i'm good at/ can work hard for is school.
It's fucked up how the rest of the world lives. Am I blind or are they?
bleh...now on to more different rantings...
My indifference reaches so far that it interferes with what i think of as a belief...or something like that. I know as you do the situation with marijuana( yeah thats right i spelt it, not just pot anymore ) I am fully aware that it can't be great to be smoking as much as I do everyday.However, I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it. and I like it so I keep doing it. We are beings who take pleasure, at almost any cost. maybe i'm wrong, whose to say I know shit about anything, much less the entire human population.
I wish I could talk to someone, the same way I write shit here. It's so much easier to type shit into a computer, this whole thriving in isolation thing i've got going for me seems to be working...well the sun has come up , and I have run out of things to rant on and on and on about..so untill next time kids.
keep fit and have fun